I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
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Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.