This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
You Might Also Like
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Erm…
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.