Batman v Dracula
You Might Also Like
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.