The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
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The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
Oh the world we live in…
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!