You Might Also Like
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.