It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
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[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.