I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
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Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
uncle dave has been through hell
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.