NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
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they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
saving face 👀
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!