The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
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When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
asked my bf how work was today
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime