(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
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Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it