Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
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Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.