Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
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I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
Did a trash talking tree write this?
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
Don’t make me out nice you.
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired