I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
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I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
What?
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band