just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
You Might Also Like
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.