Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
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He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean