I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
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Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.