Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
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I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good