Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
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My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid