Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
You Might Also Like
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
CRYING
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
never compromise your values
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.