“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
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Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*