Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
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I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Whoa 😂
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.