My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
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[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not