My favorite condiment is Worcestershire sauce. Why? It’s hard to say.
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No. He’s not coming out to play
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
Extremely relatable.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
Customize Your Wedding.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
181.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.