My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
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Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.