You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
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Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters