Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
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What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
Try and stop me.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges