the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
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Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed