Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
You Might Also Like
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
The pen is writier than the sword.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
this country is so goddamn polarized
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”