Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
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If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
not to brag, but mine was free
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
“Sheer Arrogance”
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.