So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
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My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them