Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
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BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why