Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
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PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.