The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
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Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?