Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
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Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.