Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
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[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined