Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
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Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.