What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
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When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed