Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
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[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great