Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
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To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
The pasta is now
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!