8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
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The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”