6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
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Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.