[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
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[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
Cake!!
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”