feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
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Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.