I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
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“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
This could be us, but you weedin’.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
seems fine
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.