News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
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last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.