Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
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GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
The big book of baby names but for safe words
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
Favourite diary entry ever
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait