I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
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My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave