Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
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A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Still a very good boi….
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.