My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
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“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
NASA has no chill
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?