Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
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[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
True.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.